I’ve never been a huge fan of the term “rainbow baby”, and I deliberately chose not to use the expression when referring to my third daughter, Roselyn. Roselyn was born not quite 17 months after my second child, Emilia, was delivered stillborn in March of 2017. But right now, for some reason, a rainbow feels so appropriate and fitting to use for the announcement of our most recent pregnancy.
Last year, my husband and I had been trying to get pregnant with little success. In the first half of 2020, my body was off-kilter and I knew we couldn’t get pregnant even if we tried. My body eventually started to show signs of ovulation, and after another six months of trying, we finally got the positive pregnancy test we had anxiously anticipated for the past year. As quickly as we learned we were pregnant, we lost that baby at 7-weeks gestation. Fast forward another half year and, still not pregnant, we were beginning to feel defeated. Loss has become an all too familiar reality for us and we were beginning to feel the cruel sting of infertility. When we found out last month that we were pregnant again, we could barely believe it! We are both so excited and so hopeful that within seven months we will have a healthy baby in our arms.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t also guarding my heart, just waiting for bad news to surface. Pregnancy loss is a reality for us and there is also the lingering fear of potential health concerns. So far this pregnancy I’ve basically been a huge mess! When I was pregnant with Roselyn, I had a lot of emotions and anxiety. All of those feelings (and probably a few more) have carried over to this pregnancy. I knew early on in my pregnancy with Roselyn that the following months were going to be rough, but you never truly know how bad it’s going to get until you trek through it yourself. It is emotionally difficult entering this pregnancy knowing very well how hard the remainder of the pregnancy is going to be. I wish I could just blink my eyes and have a healthy baby in my arms, but for some reason, life doesn’t allow you to just skip over the hard messy parts. Some things in life are just tough, and for me, pregnancy is one of them. I thought since I had one successful pregnancy after loss under my belt, that maybe this pregnancy would be different. But the panic attacks have already begun and the fear of what could happen is always in the back of my mind. Don’t let my fear and apprehension fool you… I am also so incredibly excited and grateful to be pregnant and will gladly take on the anxiety, knowing I’ll soon be cradling another baby in my arms! It’s all completely worth it!
I’m so grateful for those “AHH” moments when you just know God is working his magic in your life. If it weren’t for moments like these, I think I’d truly be unraveling right now. I know God is speaking to me and telling me to have faith and to rest all of my worries with him. My most recent “AHH” moment is our baby’s due date. All of my girls have been born on a date that is special or significant in one way or another to me. Adelaide was born on July 22nd – the very same day as Prince George, the future heir to the British monarch. Emilia was born on March 15th – we found out soon after her birth that the #15 is the only lucky number shared among the Virgo, Libra, Cancer, & Pisces Horoscopes (Respectively – Dan, Me, Adelaide, & Emilia). Roselyn was born on August 3rd – After Emilia’s death I grew tremendously in my faith (something I leaned a great deal on during my pregnancy with Rose) and I received my bible exactly a year to the date before Roselyn’s birth. This baby’s due date is March 15th – if born on this date, he or she would share the same exact birthday as Emilia, just five years apart!
I feel like this due date is such a good omen! A reminder that both God and Emilia are still present and actively working in our lives. I always told my husband that March was off-limits for future babies’ birthdays. 😆 March is my holy month and I really feel like it belongs to Emilia. How funny and crazy that after 18 months of fertility struggle and out of all the 365 days in a year, this baby would share the same due date as
Emilia’s birthday! Following four previous pregnancies and a uterus that is beginning to feel the effects of three cesarean sections, my OB mentally prepared us for the possibility of delivering at or before 37 weeks for safety reasons. There is a good chance that our last Baby Clough may be born towards the very end of February, just days away from the one-year anniversary of our miscarriage. It feels like life is coming full circle and it’s given me hope that I can cling to on days when my courage is running a little low.
Our family can always use warm thoughts, prayers, and encouragement for a successful pregnancy. I’ll do my best to post updates on Baby Clough and myself right here on our blog. For years I have really wanted to include resources covering Pregnancy After Loss on our Emilia’s Wings site. I’ve lacked the time and honestly the mental strength to create guides because of how complex and emotional Pregnancy After Loss truly is. What better time to address Pregnancy After Loss than right now!
In addition to the changes in our personal family’s lives, we have also made the difficult decision to put a temporary pause on all Emilia’s Wings projects, more specifically, our Care Package Program. Expect to see a few more care package donations made in the upcoming weeks, but know we are no longer accepting donations for new boxes to be created. Our main focus for the next 6+ months will be pouring all of our energy into creating an atmosphere that will promote a less stressful pregnancy and growing a happy, healthy family.
xoxo, Charmel (Emilia’s Wings)
****** To the couples experiencing loss and infertility – We know how devastating a pregnancy announcement can feel when you are longing for a baby of your own. I pray this announcement is gentle on your hearts as you wait patiently for your own baby. I want you to know that I am so deeply sorry! There is no greater pain than longing for the child you lost or for the one that has yet to come. There is no stronger individual than the one that continues to carry that hurt with them day after day. Know that I am always here to walk beside you to help carry your burdens. I am always just a phone call, text, or email away! ******