Like time suspended, a wound unmended- you and I.
We had no ending, no said goodbye; For all my life, I’ll wonder why.
I’m no stranger to heartbreak. I am reminded again of just how delicate and fleeting life is. I don’t know how I should be feeling right now. I have bounced back and forth between sadness and anger, while also feeling at peace and kinda okay with everything that has happened. Yesterday afternoon, I silently delivered a 7-week baby into this world. It all happened so quickly, I didn’t have time to process what was going on or how I was feeling. All I knew was “That’s a lot of blood” and “I don’t think this is right”. This baby was SOOO wanted and pregnancy was something we had dreamed and anticipated for months. How am I able to just skirt those feelings off to the side and just feel… okay? The best word to describe how I feel right now is empty.
For a year, my body had been out of commission and I physically was unable to get pregnant. When I finally did get pregnant, it came as a shock. I almost couldn’t believe it! Every night I would turn to my husband and tell him how happy I was to be carrying this baby. Pregnancy truly is a gift! Now that our baby is gone I feel like I should be feeling more. When I lost Emilia, it quite literally felt like my world was ending. Life lost purpose and meaning and I was drowning in a sea of grief. This loss has been very different. I am mourning what I was anticipating life would bring. I am sad, but I know life will go on and in a way it sorta already has. I’ve already begun to smile again and I can’t help but feel like returning to “normalcy” so quickly after miscarriage is a betrayal to this baby and what should have been.
I am so grateful for so much that has happened to me. I am so grateful my husband was home when my body started to miscarry. With all of the Covid restrictions in place and no family in town to watch our girls, I thought I would have to go to the hospital all alone. Having him by my side, from beginning to end was such a huge relief. I’m so grateful to have a support system of family and friends who are loving on me right now and who took care of our kids while we were at the hospital. I’m so grateful I miscarried at home, within the safe walls of my own house. I cannot imagine how traumatic it would have been to find out our baby had died at our first doctor’s appointment or if I had to have a D&C. I am most grateful that I was able to physically see with my own eyes, the little life that was taken so soon from us. Most women are unable to catch their baby while miscarrying, but I did. I know that in itself is a gift! I think one of the hardest things about miscarriage is the lack of evidence that proves that your baby did exist. I have nothing but a couple of pregnancy tests that confirm that I was pregnant. For me, seeing my baby and holding it in my hand gave me closure. It gave me a mental image that I am able to hold onto forever. That’s something that most never get and as sad as it is, I will gladly treasure it!
There is comfort in knowing that both of my babies are together in Heaven. Emilia was never alone, as she has had cousins and great-grandmas and grandpas in Heaven with her. But there is something special about knowing my babies (siblings) have each other now.
I write this pregnancy loss update not for sympathy or for “I’m so sorry” condolences in the comment section of this post. I’m here writing about my loss to help acknowledge that babies, unfortunately, do die and that it is okay to grieve your loss! I repeat… IT IS OKAY TO GRIEVE YOUR LOSS! You have every right to grieve and express your pain as loudly or as visibly as you feel appropriate. Loss – regardless of age – is cruel, heartbreaking, and should be acknowledged if you wish it to be. We are humans, social by natural instinct. In fact, we are SO SOCIAL that we didn’t have a fighting chance at ending a pandemic right out of the gate because we can’t go two weeks without complete contact with other human beings. This notion that couples should hide their loss and grieve behind closed doors is absolutely silly. We were never created to do anything in life alone, so why should we be expected to handle the messiest parts of life alone? I want to tell each of you that it is okay to not be okay. Right now I am dealing with a weird grief where I feel like I should be feeling more. Perhaps it is also okay if your feelings aren’t exactly what you expected them to be. It’s okay if life returns to “normal” sooner than you thought it would. There are no rule books when it comes to grief, so why do we as a society put limits on it?
Emilia’s Wings has always been an advocate for losses of all kinds. It doesn’t matter if you experienced your loss at 4 weeks, 20 weeks, 40 weeks, or after birth. We see you, we feel the depth of your grief and despair, and we want your voices to be heard. I feel like I owe a great debt to my babies who have died to let the world know they existed. I hope Emilia’s Wings can provide an avenue for other families to remember their children as well.
February 25, 2021
“Baby Clough, You were so loved right from the beginning. You will always remain a part of me and a part of this family. I will carry you with me and find you and remember you in the small brilliances of this world. -Love, your mama”