I go to bed every night asking myself “How are you still going?” Plenty of days I feel like my heart will stop beating. I can’t handle the grief anymore and my body just wants to give out from all the pain and sadness. I have lost my purpose in life. I know that Dan and Adelaide are two very good reasons to keep pushing on, but I am so past gone. My ugly, somber, and gaping secret is the only place I really want to be is in Heaven with Emilia. The pleasures of this world aren’t very pleasurable anymore. It takes a lot to see any good come from anything. My life was rewritten the day Emilia died and I have yet to find my story line within its pages. Is this what my new life is?
I’ve realized I am becoming a pretty good actress. To others on the outside, I appear like my life has taken a new form. It may seem like I have found a new purpose… an inspiring spark being birthed within my soul. There is some truth to that. I am taking my pain and I am trying to mold it into something that can help others. When I feel like I am actually making a difference it brings such an incredible amount of peace over me. It’s like riding an incredible high, but eventually that high dies away. You forget how great that feeling felt and are once again reminded of how awful life can be. Grief is clawing its way into my inner core and trying to permanently nestle itself into a corner of my soul.
I use to get little signs from Emilia. I would have random situations happen where I could produce no logical explanation for them, other than that they were being sent from her. They were too personal and non-coincidental for them to not be from her. I don’t know if I am just not looking hard enough anymore, but those signs are gone. Emilia is gone. I don’t feel her with me anymore and I haven’t felt her for a while. Those moments where I felt her presence were sometimes the only things that would get me through the days. They gave me the motivation to wake up each morning. I am trying so hard to keep breathing, but I feel like my lungs have already collapsed. I just want my daughter back.