It’s been a tough week…
This week marked the gestational point of when we lost Emilia. 33 weeks. There are a lot of feelings that accompany the point in which you past the death of your previous baby. First and foremost, I am relieved. I do know that this doesn’t mean nothing bad will happen, but I do have a sense of relief and a feeling of accomplishment for having carried this pregnancy past the point where I was forced to say goodbye to Emilia. I’m also scared. Scared that it will happen again. It’s been difficult (particularly this week) to not focus on what we went through at this point in our pregnancy with Emilia and to not worry whether we’ll experience it all over again. I’m also sad. I spent this weekend and Monday, reliving the moments as we hit each significant gestational date (the date Emilia more than likely died, the date we learned of her death, and her birthdate).
Contrary to belief, other babies don’t mask the pain of losing previous ones. This week, I am mourning Emilia and what should have been. I am so grateful for Adelaide, Roselyn, and our newest little bundle. But I will always dream and wish for a world where Emilia is also present. Where all four of my children survived birth and where all four are here for me to hold in my arms.
All three days I hoped and prayed that our little boy would keep on cooking. No surprises, no excitement. We obviously do not need to relive any deja-vu experiences. Thankfully on Monday afternoon I had one of my weekly ultrasounds. Getting to see your baby alive and well on an ultrasound definitely helps to curb the natural pessimistic feelings that accompany a stressful day. Baby boy looked great! One thing the doctor looks for at these ultrasounds is that your baby is practicing breathing for at least 30 seconds and that they perform a certain amount of movements. Baby boy passed both of these requirements right out of the gate! They also check for good blood flow through the umbilical cord, the heart rate (baby’s was 120 bpm), and other various things.
One thing in particular that they are paying very close attention to in this pregnancy is my Amniotic Fluid Index. Two weeks ago, at my first weekly ultrasound, they found that I have Polyhydramnios. Essentially this means I am carrying an excessive amount of amniotic fluid. It probably sounds like nothing, but too much amniotic fluid can be caused by a few different things and could also contribute to several negative outcomes for me and baby. So far my amniotic levels have just been mildly high. Last week, my levels dropped. Still in the mildly high range, but enough that I had already noticed less back pain. Back pain is a common symptom for women with Polyhydramnios. Imagine carrying an extra 2 liters of fluid and how that would feel on your spine? 😖 This week, my levels dropped even further, to the point where they are (for now) in the normal range. 🙌 My AFI is at the very high end of the normal range and they can fluctuate, but I will take this as a win for this week and I am hopeful that my lower levels are here to stay!
Other big news… our nursery is finished!! I am so happy with how his room turned out! We decided to go with a vintage airplane theme! Photos to come later! It turned out better than I anticipated and I am just so glad that his room is done! This Sunday we set out all of his baby gear… The swing, the vibrating chair, the bassinet, the cradle, the car seat… all of it. It was a good day to set it up, as it helped take my mind off all the stresses of what that day was. The only thing I am having a hard time pulling the trigger on is buying diapers. I have it in my online Target cart ready to purchase, but just lacking the complete confidence to buy them. Don’t want to have to return a box of diapers that we might never get to use. But I promise you, if we make it to February 1st with no bad news, I will bite the bullet and buy those cute, little newborn diapers.
Less than four more weeks, my friends, until our baby is here! Prayers that he does not come earlier. February 23rd (my csection) is 37 weeks, 1 day. Any earlier and he will medically be considered a premie. It is best for him to keep on cooking until the morning of my csection! Prayers for safety and good health to you all as we navigate Covid and this recent surge of Omicron. Mask up, socially distance, and (if you haven’t already) get vaccinated/boosted. Do your part to stop the spread!